i'm so happy life has been a lot better than the last time i posted an entry
i've grown up a lot
stopped being such a worrier, bitchy, insecure teenager
i can't believe i'm 22 now
i couldn't be happier....
even though this past year has probably been the best and worst year of my life

its the best because i've learned so much from all the bad stuff that has happened, and i've adopted the attitude that no matter what bad happens, it wont suck so much if i find something to learn from that bad experience and keep my head up

theres no use in being upset and bitchy

now i'm just a happy cow

hehe

now i just need a job and i'll be great

tried giving plasma yesterday and they had the "new girl" stab me for my first time there.... she went right through my vein... still got 30 bucks tho $WEET!

its great waking up next to someone u really care about

this past year has been crazy.

graduate, college, get kicked out, come home, get a new job, get pregnant, get an abortion, get accepted to nursing school, quit drugs, go to counciling, and i came clean with my parents about it all over the weekend when shawn and i broke up

i never expected to feel so lonely, distraught, sad...

i miss him so much
and everyone says "dont go back"
"hes not worth it" "he doesn't deserve you"

but that doesn't mean i love him any less than i did last week.
drugs have taken a hold of both our lives and i decided to stop and he can't see that it has destroyed our relationship ,,, drugs make people irritable, irrational both have cause a lot of stress and fights..... and im tired of it so i got out

and i hope he makes the same decision, because i honestly thought he was the one....and i still have hope that he is,,, but major changes need to happen on both sides...



today i went to drug counciling for the first time and it was rough because she made me face the fact that i am responsible for the decisions i made, no matter how i may justify them, they're illegal and harmful and i have to accept the consequences,, and i agree

i just didn't think it would be this difficult to admit how fucked up my life has gotten

but life is about learning from your mistakes and i am learning and theres no way in hell i wanna compromise my future again,,, and i hope everything works out with school, or i dont know what ill do....

soo yeah i get moody

but today im enjoying the upside to these pms moodswings

did homework AHEAD OF TIME (crazy.. i know)
STUDIED ... read, took two practice quizzes, really studied for a change (even crazier)

my roommate and i have conversations that aren't awkward and last more than two sentences now... shes a nice person

going to screw and bolt night with matt tonite... just becuas ei like the name and think its really funny in my head cause i'm perverted and visualize way too much and ive been away from my boyfriend too long and i miss him and all that "perverted" stuff that goes along with him.... friday is almost here


YAY

im taking iniative and talking to my advisor about my major and whether its right for me...go me

ive been keeping my dorm stuff organized
making lists so i dont forget anything

i never realized how being organized can save time, stress, energy, and just make me happy cause i know where all my crap is


ok yay... i hope im still this happy tomorrow and friday and all weekend and forever.. its nice to just sit alone and still feel like smiling cause you're alive

today i moved into my dorm
met my roommate


its not bad
its just not home

unlike a lot of people (or so it seems) i actutally liked my family and my home

but i'm going the try and hold my head high, work hard, do well in school, and hopefully makes a few friends along the way

and speaking of friends, its funny when you know the only reason someone is a friend is because they want something, like to be a roommate, and then when they find something better, they totally stop talking to you, and brush you off

but
i would be a hypocrite if i said i never brushed anyone off, i have.... but i don't think i lead people on as much as other people can lead on


blah

the thing that sucked the most today
was sitting in the dorm meeting , with no one. no friends. no one i knew... even my roommate didn't want to sit with me

luckily people like matt and kayla are here


but college is weird so far. i'll be glad when its monday and classes start.

within the past week i've realized quite a few things. life is fragile and can be taken at anytime for anyone. we take for granted those whom we love, and we shouldn't. i've learned that what i thought was love wasn't... and i'm very glad i finally found it.

i've also realized i'm not sure i'm ready to move on with the rest of my life after highschool but theres nothing i can do about it. after telling so many people lately my future plans and potential major in college, i've gotten more used to that aspect of things... i guess the more i think about it, the more i realize maybe i am ready for the future.

another realization... being drug-free is nice. refreshing. enlightening. and friends aren't really friends. i am guilty of being a bad friend. but i'm also guilty of being a shoulder to cry on for someone in need. so i'm sorry if i've been mean or short with anyone but theres been a lot of things going on like viewings and funerals to attend so i'm not really concerned with "last minute bonding" with my graduating class. and thats ok with me.


today i was asked if i was someone's wife... it was odd. i think i may actutally want to be someones wife someday, which is great.


just needed to jot down a few things on my mind for reflection before going to bed...so i'm done

yeah
so i stopped hanging out with the team of dramatic people who are "bellefonte's finest" fuck them :)

and now theres shawn
who i really enjoy spending my time with
becuase i WANT to
not becuase i feel like i HAVE to

which is great

because the saying that plays true is this:

Love is when you want to be with someone
not when you need to.

its a lot healthier relationship than before so i'm happy

i also learned that when you really do like someone like that... you don't look for exterior beauty, its the interior that counts and i'm really proud of myself for figuring that one out. becuase before shawn wasn't all that great looking to me but the more time i spend with him the more great things i see in him which is wonderful.

like i said to keira
"i found his inner beauty"
cheesy :)


been busy which is why i haven't been online or updating ever
school
work
shawn

going to pitt tomorrow for prom dress
with the rents
we're getting along too, i love being honest and open with them, its so much less stressful

the weather is getting better and so is my mood
the sun makes me happy.


and time keeps going faster and faster every week,, i'm not sure if thats a bad thing or a good thing...

benjy i love you and miss you and i hope your sister is ok and i hope that you've healed from the appendix wound *hugs*

thats all for now

yeah, haven't updated lately

why?
busy busy busy

barely get online anymore

but
i'm alive

i just want some sunshine...

S A D.

but i finally found someone i look forward to seeing everyday

i had a very crazy dream last night
really disturbing
a lil too realisitic
too much backtracking for me.

freaked me out a bit.

blah.

no school
gotta work though.

dad signed my audit for for ap psych.
i know my grades aren't bad
but i also know i'm not planning on doing much of anything for her class anymore because i loathe it and it just creates unneeded stresses in my life so yeah. audit.

i need to work on my photography portfolio, its due next week already... and i haven't started yet, i've been too busy on my adobe projects


bleep.

so i haven't updated in awhile i think

why?

too much bullshit drama that i don't feel like spending time talking about becuase its so pointless

I have a shitload of psych homework over break.... no big surprise there





On another note...

If you are my friend, and you don't like who i'm hanging out with occasionally, and you say rude shit about that person, and then you do the childish game of "pick one of us", don't be surprised when i don't "pick" you because if you make me choose then you're not my friend. you don't have to like everything i do, or the people i hang out with, vise versa, but i'm not gonna make you choose because anyone that is my friend has a brain, and can think for themselves, and make their own decisions without being told how to live their lives...


grr.
fuckin a.
he's just jealous.
and i'm not even sure i care anymore.

keira i owe you an appology for not coming back, i'm sorry, i definetally should have.

almost got killed last night, got the name "skillz" for doing really quick thinking/moving to avoid hitting a huge ass truck coming up over a steep hill on the wrong side of the road,,, on my side of the road...



scary shit and i can't believe i actutally did that.

i told her i'd end up getting blamed for everything that happens...

and it finally came true last night.

as i left i said "i'm not coming back pee" and i didn't want to say that but i had to because i'm not going to hang out someplace that i'm not wanted,,, even if its just by one person. she said she'd call.


dunno what to do about shawn though.
hardcore bitchfest yesterday. he decided to go home and sleep. i didn't see him at all. i need to figure that situation out.


it felt nice to hug josh last night at keira's. this sounds semi-stupidish but thats kinda one of the big reasons i really wanted to come back... to get a nice hug like that again. he's so soft.

so here i am. alone now. work 8 hours today. have a proposal to write when i get home..another psych assignment..and i think some amc.

hopefully homework won't kick my ass too much tonight.

i think i'm just going to turn my phone off from now on unless i need to call someone because i don't feel like talking to anyone anymore.

exit super social stage
enter seclusion.


at least my parents will be happy now.